Let's be best friends
I'm a little ashamed at how much I laughed at this:
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Roommate: I don't like the new guy. At our staff meeting today, he described himself as "hardcore" about Accounting.
Me: Oh god. Seriously? Who says that?
Roommate: I'm like, buddy, describing something such as your dedication to number-crunching as "hardcore" does not make your shitty job seem badass. It just makes YOU look like the type of fuckface you buys deodorant with the word "extreme" in the name.
Me: HA.
Roommate: I bet he's really into microbrews.
Me: Yes, and such as HUMAN VERSUS NATURE or whatever those shows are.
Roommate: UFC Fights on Pay Per View.
Me: He has a girlfriend, and her hair is blonde.
Roommate: She's a dental hygenist. They call each other "babe."
Me: She wears scrubs, and the scrubs have cartoon animals on them.
Roommate: They both love Nickelback.
Me: They've been to see Nickelback.
Roommate: Twice.
Me: She has a Patriots jersey and she wears it on Sundays. Her Boston Red Sox hat is pink.
Roommate: They think Carlos Mencia is hilarious.
Me: She's on a diet.
Roommate: When they get married their song will be "Don't Stop Believin."
Me: She thinks she's "low-maintenence".
Roommate: If they have a son, they'll name it Heath.
If they have a girl, they'll give it a common name with a completely fucked-up spelling.
Me: Kaitelynne
Roommate: Keitli -- hahaha I was totally coming up with a fucked-up spelling of that name on my own.
Me: Steffanye
Roommate: Eileizuhbythe
Me: I just LedOL.
Roommate: She doesn't let him have porn. He masturbates to Maxim magazine. His favorite actress is still Tara Reid.
Me: Her favorite actor is Jason Biggs, but she says it's Denzel Washington so that people will think she is worldly and not racist.
Roommate: Their favorite restaurant is Applebee's. They have sex on Tuesday and when they do it she always wants Boyz II Men on the stereo.
Me: They celebrated their anniversary by going to a non-chain restaurant and getting drunk on margaritas. Coincidentally, this is how they celebrated his birthday (beer) and her birthday (cosmos).
Roommate: Her favorite movie is Love, Actually. His is Scarface. Or Goodfellas.
Me: He won't watch Love, Actually because it's "a chick movie." She won't watch Scarface because "it's scary!!" They both have AOL email accounts.
Roommate: His e-mail address has the word "playa" in it. Hers has the word "butterfly" in it. They never miss an episode of "According To Jim."
Me: She cried when Nick & Jessica announced their separation.
Roommate: They're Republicans.
Me: Because their dads are Republicans.
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Nov 21st