tylercoates:

I came home last night to find Christina and her boyfriend watching Twilight. And then I thought, “Well FUCK, now I have to watch Twilight. IT IS IN MY HOUSE.” Here are some thoughts:

• TWILIGHT IS THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Seriously. And I have seen some funny movies. Have you seen Noises Off? That is the bar. And everthing in Twilight was funnier than watching John Ritter fall down stairs and Christopher Reeve walk around with his trousers around his ankles. (RIP!)
• I missed the first half-hour of exposition, but I got the important stuff: Bella is living with her police officer-dad while her mom ditches her for a life on the road with her minor-league-baseball-playing husband. I mean, I could complain about how silly that part sounds, but then you find out that the vampires in this movie have sparkly skin LIKE DIAMONDS! when they are out in the sun.
• Did I mention the exposition? Because this whole movie was exposition. I think it’s about two hours of film with an hour and a half of exposition building up to the part where the bad vampires (they’re not vegetarians!) actually interact with the good vampires (led by Mike from Can’t Hardly Wait, which is the best casting I’ve ever seen in a Film) and decide they want Bella. Well, only one of them wants her, and we are told this in thirty seconds when Edward explains that he read the bad vamp’s mind and now has to “tear him apart and burn the pieces.” Nice catch, Bella!
• I should probably talk about the whole “relationship” aspect of this movie. If I have one good thing to say about Twilight, it’s that it really made stalking and blood-letting look really romantic, at least to teenage girls and middle-aged gay men. Also, I think it’s so sweet that Bella was satisfied having the entire relationship be based on making out with Edward and playing sweet piano ballads together instead of, like, fucking.
• If the vampires in True Blood = gay people, do the vampires in Twilight = Mormons? Is that why they all dress so funny?
• I loved the Rastafarian vampire! William Marshall is crying sweet tears from Heaven.
• Kristen Stewart, I must say, has not progressed much in terms of acting from when I first saw her in Panic Room, a film in which I watched for an hour before I realized that her character was not a boy.
• Robert Pattison is gross. I would not fuck him if he landed on my dick.

Though I agree with every word here, I have to admit that if I would have seen this when I was 17 it would have led to a wrist injury.